Getting out of Hell
by SteveSki
Summary: Summer and Seth got married, Ryan moved away.  What a mistake.  Can Seth and Ryan ever get it right again?  Yes Its Slash so stay away if you don't like   1st Attempt at writing so lets see how it goes.
1. Kristen Realizes The Truth

Kristen found herself awake for no perceptible reason. It's been a long time since she's had this feeling. Like some how she just knows that something is going on somewhere in the house that she should now about. Getting out of bed she starts looking around the house. As she passes the foyer she looks out the window and sees a car in the driveway. Looking closer she realizes that it's Seth's car. Seth wasn't here when she and Sandy went to bed so she has no idea what's going on.

Moving through the house she checks his old room, the living room where he used to spend many nights on the couch after a long night of play station and movies with Ryan and finally, the kitchen. The house is empty and Kristen stands at the sink wondering what woke her. Then it comes to her, she hasn't checked the pool house. Looking out towards the pool house she notices a dim glow, realizing it must be the TV. Confused and having no idea why Seth is home watching TV at 2am she heads outside. Its been six months since Seth and Summer were married and they moved into a condo on the other side of town and they came over for dinner regularly but this is something new, she thinks.

As she nears the pool house she hears muttering and moaning. Slowing down she approaches the front door and sees Seth lying on the bed, Play Station controller obviously tossed aside. Near the controller she notices a half empty bottle of Tequila and that surprises her more than the fact that its now apparent that Seth came home to be a little nostalgic.

As she stood there taking this all in Seth continues to mumble. It's obvious Seth is having a bad dream, probably alcohol included.

"Ryan, I'm so sorry … I just can't"

Kristen starts to feel a little guilty about intruding on her son's private thoughts but concern about Seth's' coming home to get drunk pushes any self consciousness to the side. Trashing about , it's clear that Seth is having some sort of argument with himself, or perhaps rehashing an old conversation.

"I know your right … I shouldn't have married her … I can't let my parents down … scared … sorry … love you Ry …. Want you"

Almost as soon as he expresses his feelings something seems to have been released and he settles down into a much more peaceful sleep.

Not all that shocked, she realizes that Ryan's pulling away from the family may have a more substantial reason than she had allowed herself to believe. She had long since resigned herself to the fact the Ryan had made a decision to distance himself and no matter how much she and Sandy tried he would only ever be back on a barely occasional basis. It had become like pulling teeth to get him to even return phone calls over the past several months.

Kristen continues to stand their watching her son, now peacefully snoring. She's always known that Ryan and Seth were extremely close and when Ryan had come out to her and Sandy she half expected Seth to also tell them he was gay. Even when he announced his engagement to Summer she wasn't convinced it was the right decision for him. She had considered confronting Seth about her concerns but it seemed obvious that he and Ryan were no longer as close as they use to be and she came to the conclusion that maybe Seth was not all the comfortable with his adopted brother being gay and therefore must not be gay himself.

She realized now how wrong she had been. It was obvious Seth was not happy and she should have stepped in. Is this the real reason Ryan never comes home to visit? Is there something she can do? What about Summer?


	2. Summer and Eddie

Kristen is a little late getting up on Saturday morning. After finding Seth last night she spent the night trying to figure out if there was anything she could do, or even should do. Having come up with no answers she finally fell asleep around 4am and didn't even notice when Sandy left their bed to go surfing. Entering the kitchen she's a little shocked to find Summer sitting at the counter drinking a cup of coffee.

Hi Summer, how are you this morning

"I don't really know."

"Huh?,…. Is something wrong?"

"Yeah, you could say so. Seth is driving me nuts. One minute he's the most loving partner a girl could ask for and the next minute he's someone you just want to shove out the front door and change the locks on. I told your damn son yesterday that we were pregnant and he kinda freaked out and pulled a disappearing act on me. He finally sent me a text letting me know that he had come here and that he was too drunk to drive and was going to pass out here so at least I didn't spend the night calling hospitals. So now I'm here to track down my sure to be hung over husband and …. Oh damn, this was so not the way I was going to break the news…..Seth is really getting to me."

"What?, your having a baby, oh my god that's great But you said Seth freaked out. Are you saying he doesn't want to have a baby? I've always thought he would be a great father."

"Oh no, its not that he doesn't want a baby. He's ecstatic about the idea of a little Cohen running around but something is freaking him out because a couple of hours after I told him he was just gone and it turns out here he is…"

Kristen is on an emotional wipsaw. She's ecstatic over the idea of her first grandchild but then the events of last night slam at her and she's at a loss as to how to respond to Summer.

"Well…. Becoming a father is a big change and we both know that Seth's initial reaction to change is not always good. Maybe he just needs a little time to get use to the idea" she tries

"Yeah, that's one explanation...but probably not the right one. Kristen, you know I love Seth and always will but I'm not sure getting married may have been the right thing to do."

"I'm not sure what to say Summer"

"Neither am I. I love Seth and but I'm afraid that he's not always happy and I don't want us to end up hating each other at some point. I won't do that to our child. I don't know what to do right now. We are going to have this child and we will be good parents, the question is will we do it together or not and honestly right now I just don't know." Summer runs down and just kind of looks at Kristen for a bit before continuing. "I'm sorry… I don't know why I'm telling you all this but you know you've always been more of a mother to me than any of my step-monsters and I just had to say it out loud to see if it was real"

"Oh Summer I'll always be here for you and while I don't have any answers for you know that I'm willing to listen, even if its my son that's being the knuckle head. Speaking of which, look who's decided to wake up.

Summer turns around as Seth opens up the sliding glass door from the deck. Its obvious he's just woken up and moving really slowly as if to keep his head from falling off his shoulders.

"Good Morning, dumbass, nice to see you haven't fall off the face of the earth" comes from Summer in a very loud voice causing Seth to wince and grab his hears.

"Oh, ow, no yelling please, hungover"

"So deserting your wife and hiding in the poolhouse, that's how you decide to celebrate the news of your first child" comes from Kristen"

Seth's eyes go wide at this note of displeasure from his mother. "Oh, so Summer told you". Looking at Summer "I thought we were going to do that together"

"If you hadn't have pulled your disappearing act and caused me to come over here blabbering all Seth Coheny then maybe we would have. So don't give me any grief boy.

It doesn't matter who told me I'm just so happy for you. I can't wait to tell Sandy"

"Tell Sandy what" comes from around the corner as he comes into the kitchen, obviously just back from surfing.

Seth sticks up his finger in the air pointing at both Summer and his mother. "Since Summer has already informed you its only fair I get to let Dad know. Then turning to his father. "So Dad….its time to add a new title to your next set of business cards" pausing for a few seconds to see if Sandy is getting the hint, which he obviously isn't.

"Grandpa" Seth continues with a huge smile on his face.

"Really..thats great..when did you find out…. I can't wait to let the Nana know she's going to be a great grandma"

Now that the whole family is involved in the good news Summer pushes back her concerns and basks in the glow of being a future mom, hoping the rest of the future takes care of itself.

Kristen answers the intercom. "Kristen, I have an Eddie on the phone. He says he's a friend of your son's. Kristen frowns at the phone. Ryan had brought Eddie to the house over a year ago when they were dating. She remembered him as a very nice guy and had hopped that Ryan had found someone he could settle down with. Unfortunately they had stopped seeing each other shortly after that trip. Wondering what would cause Eddie to be calling Kristen she told Jane she would take the call and picked up the phone.

"This is Kristen"

"Hi Mrs Choen, I don't know if you remember me but I'm a friend of Ryan's.

"Of course I remember Eddie. How can I help you?"

"Well… I'm sorry for calling you at work but I don't have your home number and Ryan's talked about your work so I was able to find this number…"

"Eddie… Is something wrong with Ryan?"

"I'm not sure"

"Excuse me"

"You know we're not together any more… but I still care about Ryan and I'm getting very concerned about him"

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sure you know, Ryan is not very open about his past, or at least his past prior to becoming a part of your family. Even so, I have a really good idea of how bad it must have been. The scars those bastards left on his body say a lot if you know what you're looking at."

Kristen is thinking this is a very strange conversation to be having about her son with an almost stranger. Wondering where this conversation is going she is beginning to dread the answer. As if reading her mind Eddie tells her.

"I know this is weird, me calling out of the blue to someone I don't really know but I don't know what else to do. Even though Ryan couldn't commit to me I still very much care about him and he needs help…Help I hope you can give him. I don't know if you remember but I work at the Center with victims of abusive relationships. I'm not sure if you are aware but it's not all that uncommon for abuse victims to fall back into abusive relationships and I'm pretty sure Ryan is on his way down this kind of a path."

Listening to this Kristen realizes that she's made another mistake with one of her son's. Ryan had been pulling away from the family for years and she should have done more to prevent it.

"How do you know this?"

"We occasionally cross paths and over the last 6 months it seems every time I run into him he's got some sort of injury. He does a good job of covering by telling people it's a sports injury of some sort but after about the fourth time I just didn't buy the story anymore. So I did a little digging. It turns out he's actually looking for guys who are into being rough and getting involved with guys who beat him.

"Oh my God…"

Kristen's mind is reeling. Ryan's hurting himself, well maybe not hurting himself but allowing other to hurt him. Why doesn't she know about this? Because she let Ryan drift away and didn't do anything to prevent him from doing so.

"The reason I'm calling now is the most recent guy has put him in the hospital"

"Ryan's in the hospital… why didn't he call me.. why didn't you tell me this first thing…Is he ok?

"He's not in the hospital any more. Although I'm willing to bet he left against advice. The only reason I know about this is I was at the hospital for a similar reason with one of my clients when they brought him in. I guess the bastard did a number on him and then kicked him out and the police found him unable to walk so they had an ambulance bring him to the hospital".

"When was this?"

"Last night..this morning. He's pretty banged up but was able to leave under his own power. I doubt he's going to be able to make it to work for a few days though."

"You think I can help…I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight but what do you think I can do?"

I hope there's a lot you can do. When Ryan and I were together I didn't see any of this so something recent must have triggered this path of self destruction. I know he cares deeply about you and your family, not only as his saviors but as the parents he never had growing up. I think you can use that relationship to break through the walls he has put up. If you want I can meet you at the airport and maybe give you some advice from a counselor's point of view."

"I'd really appreciate that… I can't tell you how much I appreciate you caring enough about Ryan to get involved, we've obviously dropped the ball."

"Just because I'm not the one for Ryan doesn't mean I don't want him to be happy and the way he's going right now things are only going to get worse."

"l'll call you as soon as I know what flight I'll be on"

Hanging up the phone she heads out the door. As she's scrambling for her cell phone to call Sandy she tells her assistant "Jane, I've got to go take care of Ryan. I need the fastest way there. I'm going home to get a bag. Call me as soon as you make the reservations"


	3. Ryan

Last night was really bad. Prior to this he had always been able to pass off any bruises as accidents but he's was way past that this time. Ryan had woken up in an ambulance on his way to the hospital. After being diagnosed with broken ribs, separated shoulder, a concussion and major black and blue bruises there's no way he's going to be able to go back to work for the next week. Luckily he's caught up on all his work and no pending deadlines so he told his boss he's was mugged and is taking the week off. Good thing he's got the sick time to take.

Lying on the couch, Ryan remembers that pain killers can be a good thing and a bad thing. They dull the pain but he's not sure if this is really all that good, since the pain gives him something to focus on. With the pain dulled and his mind fuzzy he lays on the couch because that's all he can handle right now, thinking about how he got to this point.

It all started right after the wedding, well really the night before the wedding. What a disaster that was. He knew he should have refused the invitation when he first got it, but no, he had to be the good "brother" and suffer through that hell. He thought he was doing OK prior to the wedding, managing to box up his feelings for Seth and pretty much ignore them. Not always and not for long but he had even managed to have a few short term relationships before he messed them up.

After the bachelor party and that night with Seth he just couldn't keep it together. Yeah Seth was drunk and sleeping with him was a huge mistake but it was also like old times and reminded Ryan what he really wanted but could never have. So after the wedding he got out of town as fast as he could and hasn't been back since. After that night Ryan had fallen into a pattern of one night stands. Knowing that no one was going to be able to take his mind off Seth he figured he could at least get some momentary moments of satisfaction in mindless sex.

One Friday nite he found himself in one of the rougher bars. The Eagle is a bar that guys who are into the rougher kind of sex patronize. He's still not sure why he went to that particular bar but he'd pretty much slept with just about every single available guy in his normal haunts and wasn't up for socializing anyway so there he was. Later that night he found himself going home with a guy who had been cruising him for most of the evening. Things were going ok until all of a sudden he felt a slap on his ass. Never having been into the kinkier kind of sex he immediately tried to get up and out of there but the guy just pushed him back. Initially Ryan started fighting back because he was no ones punching bag, but then at some point it dawned on him, that before Seth that's exactly what he was, so maybe without Seth that's all he is. So he stopped fighting back and let the guy hit him. In a way it felt good to feel those fists hammering on him. It reminded him of Chino, of a time before Newport, before Seth.

For the rest of the night, even a little bit of the next morning he could focus on the pain and that let him forget about other things. By the following weekend he had decided that feeling physical pain was better then emotional pain so even though he knew better he started picking up meaner and meaner guys. It was pretty easy once he knew what he was looking for, after all he'd spent years learning how to avoid guys like AJ so now it was a matter of actively seeking them out. Each time he went home with one of these guys and received a beating he felt like he was 15 again. Fists pummeling against his skin telling him he's a screw up and worthless. The more he gets hit the more it lets him forget about his time with the Cohens and especially Seth. .

During this time he learns something about himself. Just like his mother who needed more and more booze to get her drunk he's finding that he needs more and more physical pain to block out his other pain.

And that's how he got to where he is now…

The doorbell rings and he has no idea who it could be as he's not expecting anyone. It continues to ring and whoever is at the door is getting insistent with the bell. Ryan drags himself to the door and opens it. Kristen is standing there and at first he thinks the drugs are messing with his mind because he's been thinking more and more about the Cohen's and he must be hallucinating. But then he sees her eyes go wide as she take a look at him and he realizes she's really here.

"Oh my God Ryan, are you all right?"

What is she doing here? Then it clicks, he saw Eddie at the hospital, it must have been him. Not knowing how he got a hold of Kristen but there was no other explanation. "What are you doing here? Eddie had no right to get you involved. I'm fine"

"No … your not … lets get you off your feet" as she points back to the couch. Going into full Mom mode she gently puts her hands on Ryan's shoulders and turns him around, noticing the flinch as she touches him. This reminds her of how Ryan was when he first arrived in Newport. It had taken Sandy and Kristen a long time to get to the point where Ryan wouldn't flinch when touched and even longer to get him to talk to them. It looks like he's reverted back to that time. Giving up on getting him to lie down she guides Ryan to the couch and sits down right next to him.

"Now tell me…what's the extent of the damage?"

Ryan looks at her, obviously a little out it from the pain medications. He mumbles "I'm fine".

"Don't give me that crap. I know your not fine and I'm not letting you get away with any of your patented Ryan Attwood avoidance techniques so we can do it the easy way or the hard way but you are done avoiding your family. Do you understand me!"

Ryan stares back at Kristen not saying anything his mind trying to focus. Part of him just wants to let Kristen hug him and tell him that everything is going to be okay but he knows it can't be. He's avoided the Cohen's for a reason. He can't stand being around Seth and not being able to show his feelings and he doesn't want them to hate him when they find out that he's in love with their son.

"I can't .. I don't want to hurt anyone else .. I don't want to lose you" Kristen hears Ryan saying, barely able to make out the last statement because he's pretty much whispering at this point.

"The point of family is to be there and we are your family.. and your hurting us by being so distant."

Kristen continues to look a Ryan awaiting a response. Practiced at reading the old Ryan she's pretty sure he wants to talk but is just afraid of something. "Unless I've lost all my mom skills then its not like you can tell me anything that I haven't already considered" she leads off

His eyes go a little wide at that statement, considering what she's trying to tell him. Is it possible that she's got him figured out, and that she doesn't hate him? It wouldn't be the first time that either Sandy or Kristen had been able to read him, even when he thought he was hiding something so well.

"So…. Seth"

Not a question, but a statement. Oh God, she knows he thinks as he remains speechless, but does nod his head once in acknowledgement of her statement. As he continues to look in her face he realizes that nothing has changed. He can still see her concern and love in her eyes. At this point he can't do anything but sigh and place his head on her shoulder, not quite crying but awfully close.

They remain there, not saying anything, Kristen continuing to hold Ryan as he lets her embrace him in the unconditional love that he has avoided for the past several years. She gives him a few minutes to calm down and as his breathing evens out she actually gets him to scoot down a little and rest his head on her lap, stretching out on the couch. Running her hand through his hair as she continues to sooth Ryan, she checks out the apartment and notices the pile of paperwork on the side table under her handbag. She picks up the hospital paperwork and starts going through the after care instructions, discovering just how serious his injuries are. Grabbing her phone out of her purse she punches the speed dial and after a few seconds "Hi Jennifer…yeah I'm here. No I don't need a hotel for the night. Go ahead and book us two tickets out of here this afternoon. Make sure they are first class because Ryan's going to have a hard time moving around"

Struggling to get back up Ryan starts up with "What are you doing.. I can't go back…Seth doesn't want me…"

"Ryan James Attwood ….Cohen"

Oh Shit he thinks. She's "The Kristen" now, he's done for.

"You don't have a choice in this. You can't take care of your self right now and you obviously aren't going to be going into work for a while with all these injuries" she says waiving the paperwork at him. "We've let you move away, we let you pull away because we thought that was what you wanted us to do. I know now that was wrong. No matter what we are your family and family takes care of each other. You are coming home with me and we are taking care of you until your injuries are better. We'll deal with the rest later"

Ryan opens his mouth to argue with her but her glare stops the words before he is able to say anything. He is once again reminded how lucky he was to find this family and they really were his family so he should just accept that he's going to have to figure out how to deal with loving his 'brother' and being part of this family no matter how hard it will be. At least now its out in the open and the world hasn't come crashing down on him … yet. With a little twitch of a smile his only response is "Yes mom"

Its been years since he's called her that and she can count the number of times he's used that word for her on one hand so she knows she's doing the right thing.


	4. The Poolhouse

"Now you just stay in bed let me know if you need anything. Just let me give Sandy a call and let him know we made it home and then I'll make you a cup of tea." Kristen tells Ryan. Getting Ryan back to Newport hadn't been the easiest trip with all of his injuries but now that he was resting in the guest room Kristen was much happier.

Kristen has a quick conversation with Sandy. He was still in New York visiting his mother. She had updated Sandy as much as she could while she was waiting at the airport before she actually saw Ryan and hadn't had a chance to catch up with him and let him know that she had convinced him to come home. He let her know that his mother was doing much better and that he was going to be home Sunday evening. Once she hung up with Sandy she entered the kitchen and started working on the tea and mulling over the situation her son's were in.

Its been 6 months since Summers announcement of her pregnancy and they have had several "mother-daughter" conversations about the future. Summer has informed Kristen that the boys had been together at one point during their college years. She wasn't sure how close they were but when Marissa had finally succeeded in ending her life Summer had called Seth for comfort and things progressed from there. Once she was back in his life he had never left and eventually asked her to marry him. Summer admitted that she had basically been living her life with blinders on when it came to Seth. She knew then and knows now that Seth had/has feeling for Ryan but that he was never going to openly admit that to anyone. Kristen knows how miserable Seth was during those first few years of High School and a lot of that had to do with the homophobic attitudes of the other boys in school. Years of being bullied and called gay, queer, fag and every other possible derogatory name have obviously left their mark on her son. Summers' discussed how she really needed Seth at first and was willing to maintain the status quo because they were both happy but lately that happiness just isn't there. She's even admitted that things would probably be better for them all if Seth would just get over his issues, admit his true feelings and allow them all to move on with life. Knowing this about Summer gives Kristen the courage to succumb to her desire to meddle in her son's marriage. She's pretty sure she wouldn't be considering doing so if she though she was interfering with a happy couple but given Summers feelings she's OK with the fact that what she wants to do will end Seth's marriage.

Noticing the pool house lights were on and realizing that with Seth and Ryan under the same roof she might have the ability to fix things starting now she picks up her tea and heads over to pool house. She notices that Seth is just leaning against the bed staring at a paused game on the TV, game controller in hand. Once again he's got a bottle of Tequila next to him. She can see that he's barely touched it so he hasn't been here long enough to get drunk. She walks in and knocks on the door post as she passes it. A little startled Seth looks over his shoulder and sees it's his mother.

"Sorry, what are you doing up so late. Didn't mean to wake you"

"I've been on the phone with your Dad. He's coming home on Sunday" she says and tells him some more about the conversation she's had with Sandy about the Nana.

"Good, good to know" Seth runs down and continues to hold on to the game controller he had in his hands when she walked in, just kind of staring at the paused game on the screen.

Kristen moves over to a chair and sits down. Neither of them say anything for over a minute. Kristen thinks this is not the Seth that grew up in this house and could never not fill a silence.

"So….you miss Ryan?"

Seth sharply raises his head and stares at her. She points to the controller in his hand and raises her eyebrows. "Yeah, Yeah, I do" he finally responds.

"You guys use to be so close. I would never have imagined that you would get to the point where you barely talk to each other. What happened?" Kristen asks hoping Seth will give her something to go on.

"He moved away…" Seth says hoping that's enough of an answer for his mother. He's had just enough to drink that he's a little buzzed which could be dangerous. He's not sure he likes where this conversation may go and the alcohol in his system may betray him once again. He's learned over the years that when he drinks he lets his guard down and his natural tendency to speak whatever is on his mind takes over which is not something he should be doing. Definitely no to saying what he thinks. That's why he almost never has more than a single drink when he's out with friends and why he comes back to the pool house to be morose and get drunk. No danger of opening up to the wrong person here … expect now his mom is sitting right in front of him, asking dangerous questions.

He's spent years wondering what would have happened if he just had the strength to deal with his true feelings, but no he's still the scared little high school kid who's been bullied all his life. He was sure that getting out of Newport with Ryan would be the life changing event it should have been and it started out that way. During their freshman year Ryan and Seth shared a room at Berkley and without the social constraints of dealing with his parents, Newport Society and most importantly his high school classmates he was finally able to let himself show his feelings for Ryan. Mostly anyway. He was never comfortable with public displays of affection but behind closed doors things were definitely different. He still dreams of Ryan's body and all the things they did together.

That was the best year ever for Seth. He and Ryan were able to spend so much time together and not worry about what others were thinking. One of the great things about a college like Berkeley was that for the most part everyone was pretty tolerant of everyone else so no one made any assumptions about their relationship and he was able to be happy with his life. Even though Berkeley was ultra liberal Seth never officially came out of the closet. He and Ryan were together but mostly only out to each other. Seth was pretty sure that most of his acquaintances assumed he was straight but sure some of them did have a clue. However he was never able to get over his fear of rejection and actually find out. So while he and Ryan were happy together they were together alone most of the time. So yeah he was mostly a very happy guy. That is up until he ran into Jason Grasso. He hadn't even known that Jason was going to Berkley as they'd hadn't seen each other all year. Jason was one of the water polo jerks from High School. He was one of the ones who took great joy in peeing in Seth's shoes along with the verbal attacks.

It was a Thursday. Ryan's lab day and Seth liked to spend the afternoon at the Student Union coffee shop hanging out, doing a little homework and people watch. He was at a table by himself near the windows so he could see outside as well as inside. Not really paying attention at the time he heard a voice behind him that he had hoped he would never hear again.

"Well if it isn't Newports biggest fag…where's you boyfriend these days"

It was if he was right back in High School. Those words made him feel like he used to when they would slam him up against the lockers and taunt him.

"Good to know college hasn't changed you Jason buddy" is his only response as he grabs his stuff and hurries out of the coffee shop before anything else can happen. So much for getting out of Newport he thinks as he's heading back to the dorm. The run in with Jason brings back all his insecurities from High School. He can't come out of the closet. His parents will hate him. What few friends he has will desert him and he'll spend the rest of his life being lonely and miserable.

Seth spent the rest of the afternoon spiraling down the same paths he's always travelled when it comes to thinking about coming out. He's just too afraid. While moping in their room the phone rings, its Summer telling him that Marissa finally succeeded in committing suicide. She's a wreak and the loss of her best friend is devastating. She doesn't think she can handle being in Newport alone and wants to come back to Berkeley to visit Seth after the funeral. With Summer coming to visit there's no way she could deal with Seth sharing a room with Ryan. So somewhere between telling Ryan that Marissa is gone, that Summer is coming to visit and being freaked out about his encounter with Jason which he never did tell Ryan about, he also decides that he's moving back into his room. Looking back now he's realized that was probably the biggest mistake of his life. Things went downhill from there with regards to him and Ryan. Ryan pulled back and he let Summer take over. Before he knew it Summer was completely back in his life and Ryan had transferred to a different school. He' still not sure how he let that happen but in the end he was married to Summer and his relationship with Ryan was non-existent.

Focusing back to Kristen he realizes that she's not going to let his response be the end of the conversation.

"So why did he transfer schools? You guys never did give us a very good reason. I use to think it was because you couldn't handle the fact that Ryan was gay"

"No, No it was never that. I don't care who Ryan sleeps with . . ." he starts and then stops, because yes he does care about who Ryan sleeps with, he's just not going to admit that. Starting back up "Its not about Ryan being gay or not gay" he finishes up knowing that what he's just said is kind of a lie, but not really since the problem is not that Ryan is gay but that Seth is.

During this last part Kristen sees movement in the kitchen and remembers she promised Ryan she was going to bring him some tea. He must have gotten tired of waiting for her and came looking for himself. Seeing the light in the pool house he made his way over, moving slowly due to his injuries. He's concentrating on moving slowly and doesn't realize that Seth was on the floor by the bed until he's reached the door. Once he realizes that he's hearing Seths voice he stops dead in his tracks and just stares at him while he continues to speak to Kristen.

"So….its about you being scared?"

"Scared? Scared of what?"

"Of being yourself?"

Huh?

"You've been hiding out here in the pool house off and on for months. Something is going on and you need to figure out how to deal with it. I don't think there's anything you could tell me that's going to be all that big of a shock. You know that no matter what your dad and I will always love and support you." Kristen says.

Seth just stares at Kristen in a state of semi-shock realizing that she has to know and that's what this conversation is all about. Kristen is waiting for him to say something, thinking its kind of funny in a way that she's having the exact same conversation with Seth that she had with Ryan earlier in the day.

Finally "My life is a mess. I've made it a mess and I don't know what to do."

"You can start out by talking about it. Saying it out loud."

Panicked, but thinking this is it. Based on everything his mom has said up to this point she already knows so if he doesn't have the balls to say it now he's never going to be able to do it.

"I'm gay and I should never have married Summer and now that she's pregnant I really don't know what to do. This is not her fault and its not fair to her. I can't abandon her and the baby but …. " he runs down

Kristen lets that hang in the air for a few seconds and then "So…was that so hard to say"

"Yes, actually yes it is"

"You know we love you no matter what, Right?" Seth nods, and she continues "So lets just think about this a piece at a time. First of all Summer is not all that innocent in this situation and she and I have had a lot of talks over the last few months. She knew what she was getting into when she married you and this revelation is not news to her. Its not going to end either one of your lives or your relationship. Its just going to change the kind of relationship the two of you have."

Several thoughts are hitting Seth all at the same time First of all he's in shock that both his wife and his mother have been talking about his biggest fear and he has had no clue. What a moron he is. Then there is the fact that once again Seth is amazed at the ability his parents have at making things all right for him. He's 25 years old and he still can't believe how lucky he is to have been born to this family.

"Now, about Ryan" Kristen continues

"You know about Ryan…how do you know about Ryan…what do you know about Ryan" he sputters.

"I think I kind of always knew about Ryan, or at least pretty much since about the time you ran off to Portland. The two of you always had something special going on and I assumed that you may have gotten together at some point. It was more of a shock to me that you were marrying Summer. I almost said something back then"

There's so much going on in Seths head right now that he can't think straight. His mom and Summer knows he's gay. His mom knows about Ryan. His mom doesn't care. His whole life picture is undergoing a radical earthquake and he's realizing what an idiot he's been all these years.

"I think I've always been in love with Ryan and was just too scared to admit it. I've never been happier than that year we were together at Berkeley. He makes my life complete. I know how minty that sounds but I never realized how true that statement could be until I'd lost him. I feel like I have such a huge hole in myself without him. I'm the one who screwed it all up, me and my insecurities. Things were going ok and then I ran into Jason Grasso the same day Marissa died and it went all downhill from there.

"Whats Jason got to do with anything?"

"He cornered me at the café and called me a fag which brought up all kinds of issues for me and then Summer called and Ryan was all freaked out about Marissa and instead of talking to him about it I just let things fall apart… I'm still not sure of why I did what I did, other than the fact that I'm an idiot, definitely a huge idiot"

"Why don't you talk to him now then"

"Because he hates me and probably never wants to talk to me again after all that I've put him through"

"No, no he doesn't" inserts Ryan

Seth is in complete shock at the sound of those words. He had no idea that Ryan was even in California, never mind in the pool house. Its been over 6 months since he's seen or heard Ryan and he can't believe they are in the same room. But then Ryan's words hit him. Which statement was he responding to? So before turning around to look at Ryan he closes his eyes and says

"Doesn't what? You don't hate me or you don't ever want to talk to me again?"

tbc

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

_A/N – Having trouble with the Seth/Ryan conversation so figured I'd put out what I had…. I hate it when I get involved in reading a story and it just ends but now that I'm trying to write one of my own I'm realizing how easy it can be to come to a point where you just aren't sure how to continue….._


	5. The Talk

_**Its done…not sure how good it really is but I don't think its too bad…**_

Ryan enters the kitchen looking for Kristen. Kristen said she was going to give Sandy a call and then get him something but the call must be taking a lot longer than she thought. He hoped things were ok with the Nana. Once in the kitchen he sees the light on in the pool house. Curious as to why she's having a phone conversation in the pool house he makes his way over. It hurts to walk so he's concentrating on moving across the back yard and is almost at the pool house door before he realizes that she's not on the phone, she's' talking to Seth who's right in front of her. His back is to the pool house door so Seth hasn't seen Ryan but Ryan is definitely looking at Seth.

He catches Seth's admission that he's gay and Ryan is in shock. He can't believe that after all these years Seth has actually said the words. Then even more shock as Kristen informs them both that she's suspected for years and Seth tells her that he loves Ryan. His first though is he's pretty pissed at Seth that it took him this long to figure things out and now its too late to do anything about it but as Seth continues discussing his incident with Jason he thinks back to that day at Berkley.

He still remembers the day his world imploded clearly. Arriving back to the dorm from his last class of the day he immediately noticed something was wrong with Seth. Normally Seth would start talking within seconds of Ryan opening the door but that day he was sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Ryan tried to get him to open up but couldn't get more than one word answers out of Seth. Ryan was having a difficult time in one of his classes so instead of pushing Seth he pulled out his books and started working on homework. He knew that if he waited long enough Seth would cave in and start talking soon. On any other day that should have worked but then the phone call came telling them about Marissa. Ryan had spent years trying to save Marissa and she finally managed to kill herself. Old feelings of guilt had overtaken him and he ended up taking off and just walking around campus for a few hours trying to get things straightened out in his head. He got back to their suite late that night and Seth was already asleep. In his old bed in the other room. He hadn't used that room for anything other than storage all semester and Ryan didn't understand what was going on. Again he should have woken him up and made him talk but he didn't and the silence between them just grew over the next few days. By time the funeral was over Seth had decided he wanted to spend all his time with Summer and that was that, his life as he knew it was over.

Now he knows what caused that sulk. Seth has always been sensitive about the bullying he received from the time before he met Ryan. Obviously that confrontation with an old bully had messed with Seth's headspace and then Ryan's' disappearance that night to be by himself probably just added to Seth's insecurity and Ryan had done nothing to confront it. If he had just forced Seth to talk maybe they could have avoided the past few years of misery.

All this is swirling about in his head as he hears Seth responding to Kristen's suggestion about talking to him about it.

"Because he hates me and probably never wants to talk to me again after all that I've put him through"

"No, no he doesn't" inserts Ryan

"Doesn't what? You don't hate me or you don't ever want to talk to me again?"

"I'm talking to you now, aren't I" responds Ryan wondering how Seth could ever think differently but then again Seth has always been pretty insecure when it comes to relationships.

Seth thinks he can feel his heart start beating again because he's sure it stopped while he was waiting for Ryan's response. If he can get Ryan to forgive him maybe he can salvage something out of his messed up life. No matter what he wants his friend back. If he can get more than that he's going to go for it but first he has to fix his friendship. He turns around to see Ryan and his jaw drops once he sees him. He's wearing a sling and he's black and blue.

"My god, what happened to you, you look like you got steam rolled?"

"Lets just say it was an accident, a stupid accident". Ryan does not want to get into a discussion about why he's letting himself get beat up right now. If he gets his way he's not going to talk about it at all but he knows he's not going to get his way. He knows that no matter what he's done in the past he's part of this family and that means talking, way too much talking, so he's going to have to have some sort of conversation about why he's so messed up. But not tonight, tonight he has to find out what Seth's revelation means for him.

Kristen stand ups. "I'm going to let you two talk, but you young man" pointing to Ryan, "sit yourself down there on that bed. You're injured and you're not supposed to be up and about". She assists Ryan over to the bed and helps him get in position with pillows supporting him and covers him up. "Since your out here anyway why don't you just sleep here? I'll be in with your pills in about 10 minutes" she says as she heads out the door.

While Kristen was assisting Ryan Seth got up off the floor and pulled the chair nearer the bed and sat back down in it. "Ok..'accident' is not going to cut it I'm going to want to know more. What exactly happened? How injured are you? And why are you here at home? What's going on? How did you get here looking like that? … but all that can wait. I need to apologize to you. I'm a dick. I was a dick up in Berkley and I've been a bigger dick ever since then. I can't begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now. I've messed up my life so much and its all my fault. I need you to forgive me. My life sucks without you in it. We always said that together we'd be unstoppable, but apart I'm just a mess…" Seth gets out before Ryan holds up his hand to stop Seth from going on and on.

"So… I heard you tell your mom your gay"

"Yeah, Yeah I guess I did didn't I?" Seth responds thinking about it. "Its not like I really thought about it, but it just kind of came out. I have been thinking about it a lot lately though and realized that things are bad and she pretty much told me she already knew so I was, like, what the heck, it can't get any worse so yeah I guess I did…and the world didn't implode. How stupid have I been? I've been a dick…did I say that already" He runs down

"What about Summer?"

"Things haven't been all that great between us lately. You know the saying 'We've grown apart'? Well that seems to pretty much describe us and if we don't do something different we are going to end up hating each other. I don't want that for the baby. I've seen too many Newport kids with battling parents and I don't want any kid of mine to have to deal with that. It sounds like Summer and Mom have been having some girl-girl talk and I get the idea things may work out ok for us as friends if we can just start being honest with each other. Speaking of honest you know I haven't been honest with you all these years. I was totally in love with you from almost the beginning. I'm still in love with you and I know I've made your life miserable. I was just too scared to really admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. Can you ever forgive me?"

Ryan decides its time to torture Seth a little and just looks at him with one of his patented looks that doesn't admit a thing. He lets the look hang for a bit and can see the worry start to show on Seth's face as he can tell that Seth is starting to think he won't be forgiven. "So… your really out of the closet then"? He asks

Seth's heart is pounding in his chest. He can tell that Ryan's really thinking about this. He's hurt him so much that maybe it can't be fixed. Seth doesn't know what he'd do if he can't get Ryan to forgive him but one way or another he has to stop living a lie and even if Ryan won't forgive him right away maybe he will over time. "Yeah, closet door kicked open, knocked down and unable to be put back up."

"Ok… you can be forgiven … but its only provisional until you prove yourself" he responds. The smile on Seths' face makes Ryan's heart swell. He hasn't seen that kind of a smile from Seth in forever and he forgot what it feels like to be on the receiving end. Even so, he's been hurt by Seth and even though Seth has said he's finally ready to be out he's not sure how to move forward from here. Seth gets up and sits down on the bed next to Ryan obviously getting ready to hug him but Ryan puts up his hand to stop him.

"First of all, I hurt too much for a real hug and second of all I'm not sure where things go from here. Yeah I forgive you…you're my 'not brother, brother' and have been the love of my life but yeah you did hurt me pretty bad so I'm not just going to jump right into your arms. Besides I don't even live here any more so its not like we can do anything about it."

Kristen walks back in with Ryan's medication and hears the last statement. "Ryan, you and Seth are going to have to figure out things but no matter what you guys decide to do you belong here in Newport. You know that Sandy and I have been trying to get you back here ever since you moved away. I've got an opening at the Newport Group so you have a job waiting for you and I'd love for you to tell me you'll take that job. You can move back home or we can find you a place to stay. As along as your back in Newport that's all that matters."

Ryan's at a loss for words. A couple of nights ago he was thinking he would be spending the rest of his life as a lonely bitter guy in a town with no real friends. Now he's being given an offer to have his family back and maybe more if he and Seth can figure things out. So why is he hesitating? Because he's scared…

"Dude, she's the Mom, don't mess with the mom" Seth adds

With that he just smiles and says "kay"

**Epilogue**

1 Year later

Ryan can't believe his life right now. He has a great job working with Kristen at the Newport Group and now that they are working together their relationship has gotten so much closer. She and Sandy have been incredible and welcomed him back into their lives as if he had never been gone. They made it clear that no matter what's going on between him and Seth they are there for him and he is their son. He can't believe he ran away from the only real parents he's ever had and no matter what happens in life he knows he'll never let go of them again.

Not only did Kristen give him a job, she and Sandy picked up the down payment for his house here in Newport. He's never been good at accepting their money but Sandy told him that their ulterior motives involve tying him to Newport with family and property. They don't want him to leave and they are going to do what ever they can to make him feel like he belongs. They found a nice four bedroom house in the same cul-de-sac as Summers house. He was a little leery about the idea of being so close to Summer but incredibly they have become real friends since Seth has come out of the closet. They've commiserated together about the life choices the three of them have made and are just happy that they have all figured out their places in each others lives right now.

He and Seth are living together again. Seth moved in about 3 months ago because Ryan wasn't ready to jump right into a live in relationship. He wanted to make sure Seth was really committed this time. Because of the baby Seth continued to live with Summer but they started living in separate rooms the very same weekend Ryan had been home. It took 3 months to facilitate the move back to Newport and Ryan told Seth that he wasn't allowed to consider moving in until they had been dating for at least 6 months. Seth had agreed but the day of their 6 month anniversary from the first date Ryan had arrived back from work to find moving boxes stacked up in the entryway.

Having the houses so close together has actually been a blessing. Little J.T (Jacob Thomas) has a room in both homes and their proximity makes it easy for them to support each other as needed. Ryan loves being a part time parent right now. They have already agreed that they want more children and in 2 years they will explore the surrogate or adoption possibilities. They want J.T. to have siblings so they don't want to wait too many years but right now it's the best of both worlds where he and Seth get to spend some alone time exploring their relationship and he still gets the joy of a new baby in his life.

His life. His Happy Life. Who would have thought?


End file.
